My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
