dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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