When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
