I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
