I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im six kinds of drunk right now
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
