So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
