im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
