im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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