when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The uberlube is also flammable
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Enjoy the penises
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
