you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
