I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
