I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
