I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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