the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
