walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Randomize
