I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
