u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
