I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
