hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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