her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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