A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Found the puke drawer
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
