phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
