I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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