He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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