I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That's how pantless uber rides happen
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
