How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
