im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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