so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
