i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
