My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
