I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
