Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
