You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
