I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
