We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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