That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
