The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
