If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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