Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
