You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
