I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
