Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
