can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
