went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
