And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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