I faked an abortion last night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
