Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
