He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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