Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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