Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
