omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
